No, not fisting, though at least that practice doesn’t lead to teen pregnancy the Worst Scourge Ever In The History Of Mankind (and without which we wouldn’t have our president, oh wait)… no, they’ve decided to go the other route this time: they’re going to teach kids about abstinence! That’s right, they’re going to throw another zillion dollars that I keep hearing the country doesn’t have into a high school program that I could clear up in a single sentence: “Don’t have sex and you won’t get pregnant.” Then I’d take the rest of the money minus the $1.97 that sentence cost to say and skip town to go to Rio. Gosh, I wonder why I haven’t been given a government grant lately…
Anyway, let’s examine this new program, by some organization called “Heritage Keepers.” Hmm. It looks like a doozy. First we have this:
“Males and females are aroused at different levels of intimacy. Males are more sight orientated whereas females are more touch orientated.”
Guys like to look and use their eyes and brains while girls just want to get pawed. That’s why it’s completely okay to touch a female person whenever you want, guys! Go ahead. Put your hands all over her. I’m sure she’ll be unable to resist begging you to marry her on the spot.
“This is why girls need to be careful with what they wear, because males are looking! The girl might be thinking fashion, while the boy is thinking sex. For this reason, girls have a responsibility to wear modest clothing that doesn’t invite lustful thoughts.”
Male humans are raging beasts of violent lust who can somehow be controlled by a couple of extra inches of material in the hem of a skirt. “Modest” female clothing is like a superpower!
“When couples live together outside of marriage, the relationships are weaker, more violent, less [equal], and more likely to lead to divorce”
Um, “divorce” can only happen if a couple is “married.” If a couple who is not married decided to break up, the term for that is “breaking up.” I’m here to help.
Sexual activity outside of marriage can lead to:“Sexually Transmitted Viruses, Sexually Transmitted Bacteria, Cervical Cancer, AIDS, Legal and financial responsibility for a child until he or she is at least 18, Raising a child alone, Emotional hurt and regret, Increased chance of abuse from a partner.”
Marriage, however, is like a magical superpower from God that will make sure none of that happens. Married people don’t get cancer, AIDs, or emotional hurt and regret. They just don’t! Shut up!
Apparently this Heritage Keeper program has a segment on planning marriage. Funny, none of the sex education classes I recall actually went into that. Possibly it was because back in the 1970s it was assumed that people preferred to plan their marriages on their own time with their families when they decided to get married, not in a high school class under the supervision of an unrelated government employee. Also, I am totally sure that talking about marriage plans in a classroom full of teenage girls who have grown up watching Disney princess movies won’t result in a bunch of pregnant teenagers because SHUT UP, OUR SPECIAL GOVERNMENT PLAN IS FOOLPROOF.
Anyway, some samples of this segment:
Young men are asked to envision their wedding day: “The doors swing open and there stands your bride in her white dress…This is the woman you have waited for (remained abstinent for) who has waited for you…This woman loves you and trusts you with all that she is and all that she has. You want to be strong, respectful and courageous for her. With all your heart, you want to protect her, and by waiting (sexually) you have.”
You know what I envision? A lot of teenage guys making puking noises and going “No way!” while the teacher bangs on the desk and yells for order. Who wrote this shit, Martians for Christ?
Oh god, it goes on:
Young women are asked to envision their wedding day: “Everything is just as you have seen it in a million daydreams…” When the bride takes her father’s arm: “Your true love stands at the front. This is the man who you have waited for (remained abstinent for) and who has waited for you…This man wants to be strong and courageous for you, to cherish and protect you… You are ready to trust him with all that you have and all that you are, because you have waited (sexually) you have it all to give.”
Okay, those puking noises you might be hearing all the way on the other side of the internet are coming from me. I have the urge to write an addendum called “Four Years Later”: “You wait by the door of the trailer home. Your true love is late, because he’s probably still at the bar. He goes there every night now after being turned away from the day labor place again because they’d rather hire hard-working Mexican immigrants than drunken American citizens. Behind you, the new baby yells in its crib, needing its smelly diapers changed again. The twins, both deep in the midst of their terrible twos, are also screaming. You’ve never lost the weight you gained having three kids in four years, and you know you look terrible but you don’t care. Next door, the neighbor’s five pit bulls have been barking for nearly two solid hours. You look at the oven and curse the fact that it’s an electric one. You think about that woman your mother told you about who drowned her five kids in the bathtub. You try to push away the thought, but it keeps coming back.”
Seriously, they’re putting this in high school classrooms? No wonder this country’s culture is going down faster than the World Trade Center. I’m so glad we elected an intelligent, progressive, Diverse™ president. He’s so different from all the other ones. Especially the part where he’s exactly the same.