God answers my prayers. God is a sadistic bitch.

This isn’t funny, God. I know I’ve been grousing about wanting some decent, non-zombie science fiction to read. I guess you heard me and decided to “answer my prayers.”

The Lord is one cruel motherfucker.

Anyway, this… thing, entitled To Defend The Earth, is some sort of science fiction novel. Or maybe it’s a collection of stories. Or — I don’t know, the Kindle version is available on Amazon for 99 cents, but suddenly I realize there are a whole lot of things I could buy for 99 cents or so. Like, for just one penny more I can dry a load of clothes in my apartment building’s dryer. So, no can do for the download.

Fortunately, I won’t miss out on all of it! The author has provided samples of chapters. Here’s one:

At two minutes till midnight, three hundred Chinese attack aircraft entered North Korean airspace. At the same time, more than a thousand pieces of artillery pounded the south bank of the Yalu River. A preparatory barrage of smoke shells followed, which covered the south bank in a thick fog. While the covering barrage was laid down a flight of helicopters swooped over the Yalu and dropped five specially raised commando platoons on the Friendship Bridge connecting the North Korean city of Sinuiju with the Chinese city of Dandong. While the commandos wrested control of the span from the North Korean border troops guarding it, a column of tanks raced across. North Korean resistance was fanatical, but within minutes the bridge was in Chinese hands.

That chapter is apparently titled “Kim Is Ill.” Oh my sides. I haven’t laughed so hard since my mother died.

Here’s another sample of a chapter titled “The Battle of Luna.” A US spaceship is attacking alien bases on the moon:

Huggins began the assault with the sixteen-inch guns. Even though the starboard battery could not be brought to bear there would never be a better time to use the 16s as the distance and angle of the incoming carrier ships gave them close to a head on shot.

As the forward batteries began lasing the carrier ship’s nose cone, Glazer called.

‘Captain, I suggest we accelerate and close as quickly as possible.’

‘Why?’

‘They’re deployed line-abreast, not in echelon where they could all fire. Giving the pasting the lead carrier is taking someone is going to figure out they should redeploy in echelon. We should move up at them now before whoever in command there figures out what the hell’s he’s doing.’

Masters could hear the irritation in Glazer’s voice, not as an American, but as a naval officer angered that a commander didn’t know how to handle his ships.

Masters pursed his lips in thought and said, ‘Ok, Commander, you’ve talked me into it. Helm accelerate to three Gs.’

‘Aye, aye, Captain.’

There’s also another sample of a chapter entitled “Arawat Kill Box” that contains a reference in author exposition to “Paki tanks.” No, those aren’t the aliens — the setting of this chapter is in Pakistan. Some sort of battle is going on and tajfsdm,.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz–

Oh, sorry, fell into a momentary coma on my keyboard. Apparently the plot of this thing is aliens invade the Earth, but so far all I’ve read is a bunch of lifeless text that I guess is supposed to be riveting military science fiction battle scenes. I guess, because the word “alien” is used occasionally. But– no, I can’t even think of anything to say further. This sort of thing is unmockable. It would be like making fun of a blank white wall. “Look at the blankness of that wall! Ah. Heh. Um.” That’s it. There’s not only not a there there, there isn’t a there.

There’s also not very much science fiction. Well, there is this, from the synopsis of the chapter “Kim Is Ill”:

North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Il, offers to make an alliance with the approaching aliens.

That would be the North Koreans, who won’t even make nice with the South Koreans. Okay, that’s science fiction. (Via.)

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10 thoughts on “God answers my prayers. God is a sadistic bitch.

  1. So the Chinese fire artillery at the bank, followed by smoke, followed by more artillery
    And its kind of silly to send your commandos onto the bridge, then fire your own artillery at them when they get there – in helecopters, not known for resistance to big shells landing on them. Then you sent tanks over, again still into your own shellfire.

    I missed the fact that the copters dropped the commandos. Hope they had parachutes. Usually copters land and let the guys walk out safely.

    And I especially like the fanatical five minute resistance.

    Hmm..I’m not sure why you would measure the power of a laser by the width of its nose. The 16 inch on a 16 inch gun is the diameter of the shell it fires.

    And if you are head on to a ship (assuming it is armed like a 17th century galleon, as these all seem to be) it can’t fire at you, in either line abreast or en echelon.

    And you don’t accelerate TO three Gs. The three Gs *are* the acceleration.

    This might be amusing for an enthusiast to count the military blunders, but that’s about all.

    • Thanks! Knowing nothing about military maneuvers, I wouldn’t know how to point out blunders. I do know a little about bad writing though. That single sentence about the fanatical fighting really got to me, but not in a good way. In a “wtf haven’t you heard of show don’t tell” way. Also, I’ve read traffic reports that were more exciting; this is supposedly a key battle scene.

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