First I’ll add a disclaimer: this is not a platform for me to run under. Oh no, if it were up to me there would be no “running” for office, just a simple coup with the help of my minions and the installation of me as Supreme Dictatrix For Life. Then the beheadings would begin, starting with—
But let me focus. Here’s a few suggestions I have for a candidate to really make some good and lasting change in this country and the world. Let’s face it, we won’t get anything substantial from any member of the Big Two, what are those guys, well one is blue and one is red… anyway, it’s all status-quo-maintenance from your standard US presidential candidate. I’m quite frankly bored with the way my country has been going, trying to be a little liberal for a while, then getting a hangnail or something and going somewhat conservative, and then when we calm down we try a few tiny liberal gestures, but nothing ever really changes and for the rest of the world it must be like having an extremely obese, narcissistic, lazy person sitting on your lap. What we really need to do, of course, is decide if we’re going all-out with the Evil Supervillain part or if we’re going to get our act together and start doing the right thing. Unfortunately we’ve picked the third option: do everything evil supervillains do (oppress foreign nations, wage wars because we’re irritated or want stuff, intimidated opponents with our mega-death weapons, inflict hordes of tourists and college students on innocent nations, smoke all the best weed, etc.) without admitting it. Instead we’ve pretended we’re really Good Guys and all the stuff I listed above we’re doing for Freedom, or some bullshit. We don’t really believe it, everyone else can tell, and it pisses people off. If we’d at least have some fun — just go ahead and go Joker, America! — at least we’d entertain people. Instead we sit around moaning about how awful our life is and then we swipe all the good cheese off the buffet table before anyone can get to it leaving only that bright orange “sharp cheddar” that tastes like feet.
I seem to have gotten a bit lost. Anyway, I would vote for a candidate, even a white male one, who said they would do the following things once in office:
- Withdraw all US military personnel home and close all foreign bases, ending all wars we’re waging as well. That shit is expensive, we’re in a recession, we can’t afford any of this shit, and let’s face it, no one wants our military in their country. World War 2 is OVER. The Cold War is OVER. Time to put our toys away and go home. (Thought I’d get this one out for the screechers right away. Guys, if you hate this, you won’t like anything else I write here, so you might as well quit reading now and go to the DailyMail website or wherever it is you like to hang out. Isn’t Rush Limbaugh on? He’s always on somewhere. Go. Shoo.)
- Our border problem and illegal immigrant problem with Mexico will never be fixed the way we’re going now. Mr. and Ms. Richie from Richville aren’t going to mow their own lawns, and their neighbors’ high school kids haven’t lifted anything heavier than a laptop bag with an iPad in it since they were five years old. So I have a suggestion: semi-open borders, worker passes, dual citizenship, or even no border and a joint Mexican-American-run territory. Why not? If America is so fragile that the idea of Juan Martinez of Tijuana blowing leaves off a sidewalk in San Diego will destroy it, we deserve to be destroyed. Also, there is something a lot of people don’t know: there are native tribes whose lands extend over the border into both countries, and they have a hell of a time getting together because of white bigots. Let’s not stand in their way. I thought America was all about Family. (Ha ha yeah I know.)
- Gay marriage: approve it. Some of you who’ve read me for a while know I don’t actually care about gay marriage, but that’s because I don’t care about marriage. I’ve never wanted to be married and I have successfully avoided that horrid thing. I also object to the reification of “marriage” as some sort of Thing, instead of letting grown adults get together with each other however they want. That being said, it’s already a Thing that is considered something fully approved humans should be allowed to do. It’s time we stopped telling gays they aren’t fully approved humans. (Also, if this happens to “destroy the institution of marriage” the way we’re always being warned about, good. Marriage as it exists in the modern consciousness is a monster that needs to be attacked with any weapon at our disposal. Go!)
- By the way, what should we do with all that money we saved from closing our overseas military bases. Gosh, I don’t know, maybe we could finally have that universal health care plan and we could even afford to keep old people alive instead of driving them off into the wilderness to be eaten by wolves. (Whatever we do, we must make sure the Republicans don’t get their hands on it. They’ll spend it all on ugly golf pants and a gold statue of Ronald Reagan. Sorry, dudes, you got your library already.)
- This isn’t really part of the platform per se, but any candidate who is either a) single or b) gay will get my vote. I’m tired of the ideal perfect heterosexual family-plus-children setup. I need a break from that shit. I’ll also vote for any candidate who isn’t a Christian, because I really need a break from that shit. What Would Jesus Do? He’d say “stop bringing Me into this.”
That’s just for starters. Chew on it while I go do some things. I may or may not post a followup later. And hey, if you have anything to add to this list, go ahead in comments. I’ll accept or reject them based, of course, on my own perfect and brilliant personal taste.